Right now I'm really angry because I sent the original thing to Ikm but now I can't find it to reference UGH Hopefully writing this will put me to sleep so I can wake up for tomorrow. Anyway this journal is basically a confession of my feelings to my close friends but at the same time not really because I already told them all the same thing like 39875489745 times
I know I'm just going to college, like.. yeah it might not be a big deal to other people, but to me it felt like I came over the biggest emotional obstacle of my life. To be honest, I really didn't like high school that much at first, but somehow I grew to appreciate it a little more. NOT THE SCHOOL OH GOD NO I DID NOT APPRECIATE GETTING ASSIGNED TO LEARN QUANTUM PHYSICS FOR HW, but the part about my life outside of school during my time in high school (basically friendships / working on myself as a person/ art)
Well, I'm going to just going to make this as quick as possible for why high school was a bitch to me in the beginning. I lost someone really important to me due to school policies and was told I can never see him / speak to him again. He was my teacher and I believe he got fired because there was a misunderstanding in our relationship which really was no more than him being my mentor, someone who guided me in life. I wasn't depressed or anything, but I was sent to 2-3 different therapists because my parents THOUGHT I was depressed, but I just told my parents I no longer wanted to go to therapy anymore. I just simply lost a friend and that was that. Isn't it natural to be upset about something like that? So I stopped going and literally just hated everybody. That's 9th grade.
From that point on, my mindset was always like.. "My family is my best friend. Families are always there for you, friends come and go, who needs friends." I didn't really trust anyone outside my family, and I never had high expectations for anybody to be a good friend.
Every year for the rest of high school, I would continue to lose people important to me whether it be because of growing apart, bad terms, or death. But that's just life. However, 12th grade, my senior year. That was the first year in forever that I had lost NOBODY. Nobody died. Nobody grew apart from me. Nobody ended their friendship with me because of insert dumb reason. Sure, I had TONS of ups and downs with certain friends but I learned to tolerate it. (I guess.)
I mean two of my really close friends yall know are obviously the IB of MIB. I've always somehow felt that my friendships with them (and both of them individually) were extremely special because we managed to stay close for YEARS even while we're hundreds of miles apart. I just remember after that one incident with my teacher, I feel like because of those two, I had something to come home to. Not saying my family wasnt there, but I think its important we develop relationships outside of our comfortable little family bubble. To be honest I was really shy and nervous when Bobby talked to me for the first time and I even thought our friendship wouldn't come so far. When I first spoke to Ikm, I met her through Bobby so I thought she would be like that one random follower that I would just see like my stuff every now and then and that would be all. A FEW YEARS LATER WE'RE HAVING THE DEEPEST DIRTIEST TALKS EVER AT A SLEEPOVER AT MY HOUSE. omfg i love those two so fucking much.
Reminiscing on the days I would just get home and immediately get into a skype call with Bobby, then catching IKM on LS and dragging her into the call til it was like 5 AM..MAN THOSE WERE THE DAYS. It really doesn't happen that much anymore but I'm really happy to know that those were some fun times in my life. I've even gotten closer to some of my other friends this summer. I feel like this summer / the end of high school was basically a peak of my friendship with many people. I didn't even realize how my views on friendship has changed over the years until college came. It took going to a school across the country for me to realize how important the people I have grown up with are to me now.
For once I would just like to feel.. happy for myself? I feel like I have grown ENOUGH to feel that I am beginning a new chapter in my life and I only look forward to growing more as a person and getting closer to people. I also do feel a little more open about meeting new people and taking on new challenges in life. I'm really glad I had the time to spend with everyone this summer while I had the chance to.
Mood: Christmas Spirited